Well, I really, really want to anyway . . .

I readily admit that I have a low tolerance for frustration, but this is INSANE. Chime in if you have ever been SO MAD at your job that you SAW RED. I keep thinking "I feel *so USED,* so . . . so . . . UNDER APPRECIATED!" and then I hear my conscience saying "Um, hello? That's what a JOB is all about, girl! You signed up for that! You were a tough talker when you CLAIMED that you would do ANY sort of work at all."

I am a daily witness to massive inefficiency -- I'm talking about NO ONE helping a process . . . No. MOST people ACTIVELY HINDERING a process that if they would GET OUT OF MY WAY, I could do with only supplemental help. And so I SIT HERE. Watching people make things hard.

And by now you are probably wondering what my REAL problem is. You'd LOVE to get paid to JUST SIT THERE. I know. And don't think that doesn't make me feel really guilty.

But this is soul-stealing stuff (I know, I'm a cream puff). And what is my soul worth? I have to figure out how to work for myself -- insecurity & unpredictability & all that.

I was recently listening to an audio-book (see, Coach Michelle? I *am* getting entertainment!) and it was outlining the ways in which some people's brains work & it dawned on me: I may never be the ultra-organized financial type that I'd hoped this contest would morph me in to.

I may *always* have a hard time with my budget. I may always hate opening bills. I may always struggle to find the best way to file receipts.

And I'm ok with that. At least I KNOW that these are not my strengths. And while I cannot avoid financial matters all together (that got me NOWHERE good in the past), I can certainly understand that these chores are hard for me and I can take it easier on myself. I was ratcheting up my own anxiety & causing a nasty cycle of stress to get worse.

I am going to be a better blogger -- I've been stressed with the truck: it wasn't working well enough to keep as a primary vehicle -- I have arranged a BARTER with a good friend who also does work for me -- and I'm very nervous about it, but I'm happy to be supporting my local "single mom economy." With the focus on saving, I feel good about "giving" something . . .

But I pledge to take it easier on myself overall -- and thusly I hope my overall anxiety about my finances will ease & I can make my returns (because I found the proper receipts), I can open my bills (except I don't have to because they are all automated!), I can tweak my budget now & then -- rather than wait until it's a mess & needs an overhaul . . .

I'm feeling better -- what a HUGE relief to have a safety savings account . . . that's the #1 best stress-reducer!

Anyone know of a bicycle that can haul 3 big kids?

I gave another college try to selling the Cooper . . .I bought a 30 year old Toyota pick-up (and I was going to worry about transporting 3 kids at once at some later date, I guess). Perhaps it was prophetic that the truck had a CO2 leak near the driver's side floor board which made me seriously ill & so I re-collected the Cooper. But in the meantime, I ran the gauntlet of insurance coverage; dropping the Cooper, picking up the truck, dropping the truck, and re-insuring the Cooper. I almost had a FULL BLOWN anxiety attack. This was one of the remaining details from my former life that I had NO SKILL to negotiate. I just had to suck it up & pick up the phone & bumble my way through grueling and SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT questions like "stacked or non-stacked?" huh? I have NO IDEA. Still.

And I was trying to figure out what it costs to drive my car. That is, what I paid for it, what I'd paid in repairs & maintenance, divided by how long I've had it (with a side calculation including a guess about what I might be able to sell it for). I THINK (and remember, I was a history major to avoid math) that I could have leased a VERY NICE Mercedes.

I am in car purgatory: I have a jalopy truck I won't drive (sitting in my boss's driveway until I figure out what to do), and I am having to re-think keeping the Cooper a little longer so the cost per month doesn't give me heart failure. And I have random thoughts while driving down West Tennessee like "What do we think about Kias these days?" Could I really find a cream puff diesel VW Rabbit on the cheap?

"For men, it's life's report card, for women, it's security."

I just turned in a 13 hour work day, and I was close enough to make some returns to a shop. I've been giving some thought to the MEANING of money -- what it symbolizes -- and I am still not sure that I know what it means to me (and that's why it has taken me so long to post this!)

Dr. Joy Browne, in her book _The Nine Fantasies that Will Ruin Your Life_ tries to dispel the myth that money = happiness. She also points out that, historically speaking, women have only had control of "their own" money for a relatively short period of time. True enough. Women have always had an economy, but usually they've bartered.

So I know that money FOR SURE means security to me (my house payment).

It also means control (I still get a little buzz when I go to the grocery store and buy EXACTLY what *I* want -- not what is on sale or what everyone else will eat.

I know that I see money as freedom: Surely we've all finished the sentence, "If money were no object, I would . . . ."

But I'm not sure that I am hooked into "money as love" although I know I do associate security/safety (see above) closely with love.

And of course we all recognize the POWER associated with money -- although perhaps that power is very close to choice or control.

When I think about what I might do with any money I would win, I think about TRAVEL -- which I now realize means CHOICE -- to go anywhere or experience anything one's budget will allow.

Recently I had the occasion to understand that we all seek to apportion our RESOURCES in ways that reflect our personal values. Time, money, affection, attention, labor, skill, knowledge -- these are all resources. When I am off kilter in one area, it means I usually am off kilter somewhere else.

I try to make a little progress every day. Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming through Jell-o -- but if I haven't actually MADE that budget, I certainly have been THINKING about it!

Filling out forms is NOT my forte.

I have to do a form that is HARDER than a budget -- and I have to hand it over to be scrutinized. To say that I don't want to do it is the understatement of the century. I have been setting little mini-goals like "Call the HR people to ask the question about insurance." That's so I can fill out ONE LINE.

I called a friend and asked her to phone me at regular intervals just to check on my progress. I've had to eat a LOT of ice cream just to keep morale up.

And speaking of morale, my almost-teenager HATES this contest & just wants it to be over because (I'm guessing) he thinks he'll be able to take the contents of his savings & blow it on video games. When I gently suggest that this may not be how it plays out, he gets bent out of shape. Sheesh. I'm frequently reminded of how money is tightly liked to emotions.

Ok, so it is to Sea World, but still . . . WOW. But you'd say "It's such a bargain! Park admission, hotel (I think, my eyes blurred after I read "due in 2 weeks." It is really $190, but they must pay for two lunches & two dinners & any tchotchke they want to bring home . . . that's $250, isn't it? I aksed the boy what he would like to do to contribute & looked at my with surprise . . . are the *other* parents not asking their children this same question????????

We have some unexpected testing expenses this month (I guess this should be budgeted under "Life, misc."?) and I've been reverting to "shopping out" my stress. It's second-hand books, but still . . . I had to start filling out some financial paperwork (that I've put off a LONG time) and it's giving me anxiety attacks. I have charged more to my cards that I would have liked (nothing off the chain, but still . . .) I have a WICKED BAD urge to drive to IKEA (Orlando) and buy a dining set that I've wanted (and not bought) since the contest started. The almost-teen is fighting back about the contest: he complained in a school essay that I'm a terrible mom because I "forced" him to save money. That one I guess I can weather. No apologies there.

I have to get back on track -- and, perhaps like dieting, one must do things one might prefer not to do. Like I want to drive out to buy some ice cream right now. But I won't -- because I can save my budget & my hips at the same time. *sigh* Being a responsible adult is hard.

I was up ALL NIGHT! I sat down to polish off some work last night at 9 p.m. -- and I'm still up! At 10 a.m. the NEXT DAY. There's panic about deadlines & formatting, and correct wording. I mean, I really like the "good stress" business, but I've hit the wall! My shoulders are starting to seize up & I need to crash . . . this is fairly typical with grant work (apparently), and there are benefits when times are less . . . intense . . . fun and flexible folks to work with . . . but I'm starting to lose the battle here -- and I'm super-worried that this project will go smoothly (it hasn't really done so far).

It's very, very easy to lose sight of one's bigger goals when one gets stuck in the little daily details. I have mortgage forms to fill out, budgets to re-work, allowances to get back on track . . . but who has time to manage life when you are WORKING so much?

We weren't *in* the car when it went into the ravine, thank goodness.

And the Cooper's alternator (the problem) has been replaced, it has been detailed & it is GORGEOUS. But it has set me thinking about where I want to be in my "car-life" and I've decided to pursue selling it. I bought a little beater truck in the meantime (with my savings, yeah! I say yeah because thanks to this program I *HAD* savings & none of this was overly stressful). I plan to use the time in the little 1983 (or something similarly old, it's still having some repairs done) truck to think about what car I really want (probably another Cooper) and make sure my accounts are in order so I can PAY CASH. I have been fortunate in my life that i have NEVER had a car payment -- the one new vehicle I have *ever* owned was purchased with cash -- and I'm a true believer that we shall not finance things that LOSE value (and fast!) This past week my insurance company did provide me with a rental and I elected to pay the $20 or so a day for the supplemental insurance because I know what happens when you tempt fate . . . that decision about whether to buy the extra insurance on rentals is one I have struggled with my whole life. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't.

So, I won't be "Cooper-awesome" for a while, but I'm hoping that I can price it right, sell it quickly, and deposit the difference back in my savings account to seed the "next car fund!" Looking at the possibilities is kind of fun . . . and goals are SUPER important to motivate savings. Latte? No, I think I'd prefer a car :)

It died & then rolled into a Ravine.

More when I've finished having my nervous breakdown . . .

Thank God for TPD Officer DiGonzalez, Daniel from Lake Jackson Towing, and my dear, sweet friend Jennifer.

And I walked the children to school today: 1.3 miles one way -- I might even do it again voluntarily. It was nice!

So 2 stupid taxes in the span of a week -- so much for "no whammies."

My strategy was "no whammies" but I got sloppy.

I was driving . . . ahem . . . IMPATIENTLY on the way to a meeting & got a ticket for $100. It could have been FAR worse -- but Officer Bradshaw demonstrated a _high degree of compassion_ & did the best he could with what he had in front of him. And so I pressed a Team Gray card into his hand ;) and promised that I would let all blog readers know that we must DRIVE CAREFULLY -- both for safety's sake, and for the sake of our wallets.

An expensive lesson, but a good one. Thanks Officer Bradshaw for the opportunity to get a reinforcement of this important principle.